Weird, ne? OneShot
by VeeandreaHart
Summary: Crack fanfiction...What would happen when two sisters start talking about Pein when Konan enters a room? Unbearable paper cuts. What happens when Deidara finds out? Explosions. Confessions. Death Threats. Doctors. And much much more. This is a collab with JaggerMania. Rated T because of my stupidity and bad language, and...all that jazz. Please R


**This is a random thing that JaggerMania and I randomly came up with while we were PMing, so yeah, now I'm typing it. This is collaboration with JaggerMania that I haven't told her about yet, so…I hope she doesn't freak when she sees this-**

**JaggerMania: Freaks when I see what?**

**Me: Uh…this story…?**

**JaggerMania: *Looks down and read story* oh you're really publishing this shit?**

**Me: Yeah, I thought it was funny and that it could be a random crack fanfic…**

**JaggerMania: *shrugs* whatever.**

**Me: Wanna do this disclaimer cuz I loves you?**

**JaggerMania: Sure, sistah! We do not own any of the characters, technically Emms belongs to me and Emma belongs to Vee, and any and all Naruto characters mentioned belong to Kishimoto-sama!**

**Me: *Nods my approval* very good.**

**JaggerMania: Thanks, I know!**

Emms and Emma were sitting I the Akatsuki base, talking about music. "Hey, have you ever heard the song Senorita by Justin Timberlake?" Emma asked.

Emms became really animated while answering her sister's question. "Yeah! It's a really good song!" she said, happily. "I just love the way his smooth singing voice cuts through when he and Pharrell were talking in the beginning. He has such a hot voice! It could melt ice!"

Emma nodded in agreement. "I know! So hot!" she agreed.

"Okay, I have a confession," Emms said, looking down.

"What wrong, Emms?"

"I have an obsession for guys with smooth voices, like Pein and Madara and Itachi, Sasori…"

"Oh mah Jashin!" Emma cheered. "Pein's voice is so sexy hot!" she said as Konan entered the room.

The blue haired girl froze. "What did you just say?" she demanded.

Emma jumped and looked at Konan with fear. "N-nothing!" she stuttered. "Please don't hurt me, Konan!" she held her hands up in defense.

Konan glared at the cowering girl. "Now you will suffer from paper cuts…OF DOOM!"

"Noooo," the non-ninja cried as Konan's paper assaulted her. "Konan, I thought you were my friend!"

She then fell from the couch and bled to death. AND THAT, MY DEAR FRIENDS, IS WHY YOU NEVER TALK ABOUT PEIN WHEN KONAN IS IN THE ROOM! That was a narrator's announcement.

Emms shot up from her seat, crying in anguish. "Oh mah Jashin! She effin killed my sister!" she cried.

Konan started advancing on her. "Yeah, bitch," she growled. "What are you going to do about it?"

"You are effin insane, you lonely piece of tissue paper!" she yelled.

"What did you just call me?" Konan demanded.

Ignoring the question, Emms shouted the name of one sexy hot bomber. "Deidara!" she called.

Deidara—hearing the panic in Emms voice—enters the room swiftly. "What is it this time, Emms?" he asked, looking around and seeing nothing out of the ordinary.

"Look for yourself, you damned bomber!" she yelled, pointing to Emma's dead body. "Your girlfriend's lying there on the floor, dead!"

Deidara looked where the girl was pointing, and freaked out. "HOLY CHIZ! WHAT HAPPENED TO EMMA!" he yelled as he rushed over to her side.

"Konan made her bleed to death!" Emms said automatically, pointing at the guilty one.

"WTF!" the blond demanded, turning on Konan. "Konan, what the effin hell did you do that for woman?"

Konan looked away, ashamed. "She called Pein sexy," she said.

Deidara blinked twice, thinking while Konan and Emms stayed silent. After a moment, Deidara blew. "YOU EFFIN KILLED HER BECAUSE SHE CALLED YOUR BOYFRIEND SEXY?"

Konan winced at his volume, but otherwise remained calm. "Hn…"

Deidara's eyebrow twitched and he threw a clay bomb at her. Konan's eyes widened in panic. "No! WAIT, DEI-"

"Katsu!" Deidara interrupted her. Following his words was a gigantic explosion to which Emms marveled at.

"Ooh, pretty fireworks," she sighed.

Emma began coughing. "What happened?" she asked weakly, sitting up. Emms stared at Emma in shock.

"SHE'S ALIVE!" Deidara shouted

"Alive? Whatd'ya mean? What happened?" Emma asked, confused.

"Konan killed you so we killed her," Emms said casually, like it was the most normal thing ever.

"Oh, okay…WAIT! I'M DEAD?"

"No, Emma, you're alive," Deidara said, calmly.

"But...but Emms said I deid? Am I in heaven, Dei-kun?"

Emms looked at her sister. "Dei-kun?" she quoted.

Deidara sighed and answered his girlfriend's question. "No, Emma, you're not dead…"

"Huh? Then…" she trailed off. "What?"

Emms shook her head. "Forget what I said, Emma," she said. "You're alive and Konan's dead, so now you can talk about Pein all you want."

Emma sheered. "YAYYYY!"

"But she's mine," Deidara said, possessively.

"Awww!" Emma gushed.

"Yeah, whatever," Emms shook her head. "I'll leave you guys alone. I'm gonna go look for Madara."

"You mean Tobi?" Deidara asked.

"NO, DAMMIT! HE IS NOT TOBI!"

"Okay…" Deidara said. Emms leaves and Deidara helps Emma up.

Soon after Emms left, Pein rushed into the room and sees Konan lying on the floor, unmoving. He rushed over to her side. "Konan! Konan, can you hear me?" he demanded.

"Konan's dead," Emma told him causing him to turn and look at her with wide eyes.

"Why are you bleeding?" he asked.

"Konan tried to kill me so Deidara defended me," she told him.

"Is that why Konan's dead?"

She nodded. "Yeah, pretty much…"

Pein nodded. "That's okay. Her power was weak anyways. The only reason I let her join is because we were childhood friends…"

Emma stared at him a look of both shock and horror. "I THOUGHT YOU WERE LOVERS!"

Pein then adopts a look of disgust and says, "No, she's my sister!"

Konan came back to life at that statement, sitting up fast. "WHAT? YOUR SISTER?" both Emma and Konan yelled at the same time.

Then Konan gagged and said, "Why didn't you tell me?"

Pein looked at her shocked. "I thought you knew already…?"

Konan looks around the room, seeing a random fireplace that was conveniently located right in front of the couch; she jumps into it, and screams. "I HAVE NOTHING TO LIVE FOOOOORRR!"

Emma watched the whole display with amusement, chuckling as Konan's papers caught fire. She then turned to Pein. "Do you think I'm hot?" she asked.

He looked her over. "Yes."

"Do you think Madara and Emms make a shmexy hot couple?"

"They look quite kawaii together, yes."

"Would you be interested in dating me?" she asked causing Deidara to glare.

A faint blush spread over Pein's face as he nodded. "Yes."

"Too fudging bad, you sexy loser!" she yelled. "I'm dating Deidara!"

Then she left Pein's side and skipped over to Deidara's hugging him.

"Too bad this is just a dream," Pein said, shaking his head sadly. "So none of this is really happening…"

Emma pulled away from Deidara. "What? When did that become apparent?" she demanded.

"The moment Itachi walked in wearing nothing but his boxers," Pein said, pointing behind Emma.

She turned and began ogling Itachi's abs. "What?"

Deidara became mad; blowing Itachi up, yelling about how Emma was his and no god damned Uchiha was going to steal me away.

Emma then began crying about how the whole plot was just changed so dramatically. Emms walked in, with one shmexy hot Madara on her arm, and began comforting her younger sister.

"Don't worry, babes," she said quietly, patting Emma's back. "This isn't real. It's just a dream, so the plotline of the show isn't going to be altered."

"But...doesn't that mean…" Emma asked lifting up her head. "That you're not actually going out with Madara?"

Emms, infuriated, pushed her sister away, shouting. "I AM GOING OUT WITH MADARA! HA-HA! IN YOUR UGLY FACES YOU Madara FANS! HE'S ALL MINE!" she then grabbed Madara and begins to run out the door, but is stopped by her sister.

"YOU TELL THEM, SISTER! AND START YELLING ABOUT HOW DEIDEI IS MINE BECAUSE MY DOCTOR SAID I'M NOT ALLOWED TO YELL!"

Emma's doctor then walks into the base. "STOP YELLING!" he yelled at her.

"WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT KIND OF DREAM IS THIS?" she yelled.

"STOP YELLING!" he yelled again.

"I WILL NOT BE SILENCED!"

The doctor motioned to someone outside, saying, "Sedate her." A tall man in a white outfit and a giant needle walked in, giving Emma a shot. She falls to the ground.

"So…sleepy…" she murmured before her face crashed back down on the floor. "Mmm…Fabrese…"

Emms laughed silently at the scene taking place before her before she turns to a group of Deidara fangirls—and fanboys—and began yelling. "OKAY, PEOPLE! LISTEN UP AND LISTEN UP GOOD! SINCE EMMA'S DICKHEAD OF A DOCTOR DRUGGED HER, I WILL BE TEMPORARILY TAKING HER PLACE! So now that that is settled, I would like to say: IF ANY OF YOU FILTHY LOWLIFES LAY EVEN A FINGER ON DEIDARA, I WILL PERSONALLY SEE TO IT THAT YOU WILL BECOME PART OF DEIDARA'S ART! MEANING, I WILL BLOW YOU UP INTO SO MANY PIECES THAT YOU WOULD RESEMBLE MINCED MEAT STARIT OUT OF A BLENDER, WITH PARCELY! AND THEN I WILL FEED YOU TO ZETSU!"

She took a deep breath and continued. "SO JUST TRY TOUCHING THAT PRETTY BLOND HAIR OF HIS…er *cough cough* I mean to say… JUST TRY TOUCHING HIM AND YOU MIGHT GET A CHANCE AT MEETING ME IN HELL!"

Emma woke up, still feeling slightly groggy, standing up. "…What happened?"

Emms sweat dropped, turning to her sister. "How come you always end up being the one unconscious?" she asked.

Emma shrugged. "Beats me," she then looked at the Deidara fans, some of which looked like they were about to pee their pants. "Er…what happened to them, Emms?"

"I told them a scary story," Emms said, shrugging.

"Ohh, can I hear?" Emma begged. Deidara walked into the room from the kitchen and approaches them.

"Hey, girls and…er…guys…" he said the last part uncomfortably.

The crowd of fangirls and boys began backing away before breaking into a run out of the Akatsuki hideout.

"What's with them?" Deidara asked Emma who shrugged, causing Emms to snicker evilly.

**Yay! My first collab/crack fanfiction! !**

**I can speak bird! Tweet tweet. Cacawwww!**

**My eighth grade teacher enters the room: Did somebody call me?**

**Me: Yeah, you're a caCAWWWWWW!**

**Teacher: *taken aback* what did you just call me? I should spit on you!**

**Me: too bad you don't have saliva!**

***Batman and robin enter the room***

**Robin: HOLY PENGUIN DISGUISED AS A TEACHER BATMAN!**

**Batman: You're tight, my young ward! It's obviously the penguin! Look at the nose!**

**Me: *snickers uncontrollably* Robin! I love you!**

**Robin: *looks behind me and sees Deidara cracking his knuckles threateningly. Laughs nervously* uh…yeah…I'm dating Batgirl…**

**Batman: Now they know your weakness!**

**Robin: What? I didn't say anything about-**

**Batman: *Interrupting him* Now they can easily kill you!**

**Robin: But I didn't-**

**Batman: You are dead to me!**

**Robin: what?**

**Batman: You heard me! Go take a long walk off a short pier, and try to fly.**

**Robin: but I cannot fly, Batman!**

**Batman: Then why are you named after a flying bird? Why aren't you called Ostrich…or something…?**

**Me: One could ask you the same thing, Batman. You can't fly either…**

**Batman: *Looks down in shame and embarrassment* I have nothing to live for…**

**Me: You going to follow Konan? *Pointing to the fireplace***

**Wow…I didn't mean for this to be that long…yeah…**

**Hope you liked it! **

**That was a fun one-shot! Thank JaggerMania, she wrote most of it! Loves yam, mah sistah!**

**Please revieewwww! It would make JaggerMania and me happy?**

**JaggerMania: IF YOU DON'T REVIEW, I'LL TURN YOU INTO ZETSU FOOD!**

**Me: *Gulp* please listen to her…**


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